Love this…

I’ve always loved the end of Grey’s when Meredith gives her inner monologue. This one at the end of the past season is sooooooo good:

The monologue:

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone, and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it? What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then… it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is… death ends. This…? It could go on forever.”




I won’t forget…

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

Chasing a Unicorn…

Sometimes I wonder, with the whole Noah’s Ark thing… did we lose a few species in the mix?

I like to think that the Unicorns, being super playful and cute, were out playing their unicorn games and missed the boat. Ok, I’m being silly, but on a more serious note, although still not uber serious… today I realized Ive been chasing after a Unicorn.

If you aren’t sure what I mean, ‘chasing a unicorn’ is a metaphor, sometimes used to describe the pursuit of something that’s, for all intents and purposes, unobtainable as unicorns don’t exist. This person exists, but… doesn’t. It’s hard to explain. I’m just tired of games. Maybe I’m too nice?

Aside from Unicorns, I’ve been tempted to steal from Norah Jones and call it chasing a pirate (i.e. her song Chasing Pirates) however, pirates are dirty and I wouldn’t want to chase one of those. 😉 Here’s here song though in case you live under a rock:

All I can say is I’m a little sad. I still want the unicorn. And yes, I know that makes me silly and stupid. 😉

Biggest mistake…

Sometimes I think that the biggest mistake we can make in our lives is letting people stay in our lives far longer than they deserve.

This week was a little rough for me. Many decisions I had to make and one that meant I needed to get rid of someone toxic. But I’ll be honest, I’m still struggling with that. Even though I know there was nothing I could do and this particular person was “bad news bears”, I almost feel like a failure for not being able to remain friends and in this person’s life.

It’s not my fault this person lies, manipulates, and uses… however… the thought of all the time we hung out, laughed, etc being just tossed away seems meaningless.

Before anyone asks, or comments, it wasn’t a decision made quickly. It’s been months and months and lots of thoughts, and talks leading up to this end. But how do you reconcile with yourself? How does one “move on”? I’m not sure yet. I suppose it’s a tiny bit like when you have a relationship break-up, but those suck too lol…

Anyway… all this to say, if you’ve had a rough week, I’m in the same boat, but that boat is in calmer waters now and this week actually ended much nicer than it began. I love my actual friends. 🙂

love you…

It was my second year of college, and I was still interested in working in Social Work or maybe even Counseling one day, however, I was dealing with some things of my own. Things no one knew. I dare not tell.

Well… as strong as I am, as strong as I was, I broke. (Luckily I had a professor, who I felt comfortable enough with to share.) She asked me if I had a diary or how I got my thoughts and feelings out. It certainly wasn’t through talking to anyone, no matter how badly I’d wanted to, and although I loved writing, I wasn’t. There was no music, no writing, nothing. Mute. Blank space. She said, “sit down and just start writing…”

I did.

That three word phrase “just start writing” kept playing in my head anytime I’d get in a funk or whenever I felt like there was no one to talk to. Sometimes I’d write about nothing at all, but most of the time I shared my anger, frustration, and clueless-ness about how this world works, and how “bad people” get away with everything.

All I can tell you is that those words freed me. I was stuck inside myself. Sometimes I still am. In fact, I’ve had many people that get to know me past my comedic exterior that ask me “what are you thinking” and I’d share the world with them, but sometimes it’s too sad or too weighty to put on another person. The truth is that my brain works like a hamster wheel and that hamster is an Olympic athlete; always running.

Today I read, “Don’t waste your time on things that only hurt you, and remember to forget those who forgot you” and for some reason or another, I felt I needed to share. If I could amend that tweet, I would say, “Don’t waste time worrying about people or things that only hurt you.”

If you have something to say or something to share, if you have no one to turn to, ‘just start writing.’

Love you.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a masochist. Not that I physically harm myself, (I don’t know that i could ever do that) but can you be a masochist of the heart? The emotions? Hell, I don’t know. I’m literally up at 2am (well past 2am) writing this. So conflicted. Not sure if tears are appropriate or if ditching those feelings and going on like nothing ever hurts is better.

I hope someday I won’t feel like I need to be prettier, richer, skinnier, or funnier to be liked or loved by someone I have the same feelings for…

The fact that I feel that way makes me an idiot. However, sometimes being a realist makes you smart. So… I’m smart. Ok, but my heart is stupid. It gets it’s hopes up, sees things in rose colored glasses, and leaps before it looks.

Those things don’t make me a bad person, but I can see how they make me look a fool. But of course I wouldn’t be good enough for the first sane, attractive one with a job, car, not living with their parents, etc…

Needless to say, after being encouraged by countless people to go out on a limb and try the whole online dating world (not something I wanted to try), I’ve deleted my profiles. It’s too tricky and you never reeeeeally know what the other person is looking for on there.

So… back to the real world of just letting the chips fall where they may and finding someone the old fashion way… you know… in person. 😉


Live free, or die trying. Yea… no one’s said that line before. (And certainly no one’s ever rapped about it either.) But either way, “Live free, or die trying” is the K.I.S.S. philosophy personified.

A few years ago I got on this huge Animal Planet show kick. I was addicted to the rescue shows. (Don’t worry, the 12 step program helped.) There was one particular show where, in Florida, the officers were busting a guy for having illegal monkeys at his residence.

What made the monkeys illegal? No clue. Probably banana theft.

Anyway, they were in cages, malnutritioned, supposedly smelly (although what monkey smells like flowers to begin with, right?) and their cages were full of poopy and such. I tell you all of that to get to the comment one of the rescue officers made next. She turned to the camera and with a very upset look and quivering voice, managed to say “they weren’t meant to live like this. They don’t know real freedom.”

I think understanding, living, and acting out “real freedom” isn’t something any of us truly figure out or make part of our reality until we realize that there’s something bigger and better than this poopy cage. We’re starving for real life, real acceptance, and real happiness.

So, K.I.S.S. and live free.